Self esteem

“Haayyyyyyyyyy…..”

“Haayyyyyyyyyy…..”

I think the term ‘peaceful chaos’ is the best way I can describe the last couple of months. The last two years have been very challenging. I feel that personally and I also know of many other folks who are close to me who have felt that too. For me, I think a lot of that was set in motion because I asked for it – I stepped in with my ancestors and the powers in a far more formal way than I ever had before, and I asked for the capacity to walk in alignment with my destiny. My community works with some edgy, hyper-practical energies who my teacher always describes as being ‘ruthlessly helpful’. In order to provide what you want, you get what you need. It has been, bluntly, like being pummeled with a baseball bat, energetically speaking, and at times it has even felt cruel.

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But in the last few months, I have felt a sense of direction and clarity in my work, my relationships, and my role and presence in the marketplace of this plane. On reflection, one of the greatest impediments to receiving the good stuff meant for me has always been low self-esteem. It threw me a bit when my mentor described low self-esteem as being another form of pride, but of course it is. Consciously thinking (whether one believes it or not) “I am so spectacularly terrible, worst of the worst, I don’t deserve anything good, I will scrape my way through life living on the absolute edge of well being because that is where I should live” is such a cock-eyed yet self-perpetuating way of being prideful.

Today is my niece’s birthday, she’s my beloved little brother’s second-born. She and her sister are the bravest, wildest and most confident little souls, they are ferocious little diamonds and I hope they stay that way forever. Often, when I think of the things I have achieved and the decisions I have made, I think of them and my other nieces and nephews, who all live in the UK, and what they will think of me in the future. I also think of my ancestors, and the generations who have come before me, and whose experiential wisdom has put me in the place I am now. The work I do on myself, for myself, is also for the people belonging to both of those timelines – those that stretch out in front of me, and those whose graves I stand. Love to the deaths I’m standing on, love to the lives I impact in the future. In this sense, grappling with personal low self-esteem truly is community work of the most important nature.

So, what to do? The guidance given to me was to work on generating unreasonable, unbound self-esteem. Arrogance? No, not so much. Not exaggeration of, but a committed sense of, one’s own space, role, presence, importance. I welcome in the powers that support me to show me what this feels like, somatically, even. The self-esteem of an energy or a deity, the sense of belonging. A mountain isn’t arrogant – a mountain is a mountain is a mountain. A river is a river is a river. The mountain and the river know their roles and they fill it, they effortlessly accommodate their nature and place. So I work on expanding myself to billet my little spot in the universe.

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When I visualize microbes in the environment, I find it very difficult to imagine them as anything other than a hive – it’s too difficult for me to separate them into genera or species or different flavors in that sense. It’s like the human brain regarding infinity: we just don’t have the neurons for that. I see a network of members, firing on and off in response to the environment and vagaries of the day, minute or second. Interacting with one another so delicately and so determinedly, meaningfully – yet leveraging massive impact, constantly. When I drop in with the microbes, they represented as a whole body of beings, a whole catalog of characteristics.

Tellingly, the energy that this body of smalls populates has always felt serene to me. Not so much in a hippy way, and definitely not static – but just…..there. There is no surface, no nook, no cranny or crack on this planet that isn’t colonized by microbes. They have expanded their selves to fill every part of our existence and we (human people) have such an intimate relationship with them, both directly and indirectly. Microbes are so good at being microbes, and they know it. The body of smalls, I feel, is infinitely powerful but it does not over-exercise this power (I’m thinking a Mars Attacks type scenario here). The individual activities of single-celled smalls benefit the greater good of the community, and therefore the body of smalls, the immediate environment and the general environment at large. To exercise their power, to play arrogant games with it, would be traumatic at every level of that scale. They do this innately, as ancient wise people, with tools they have learned and are learning over evolutionary time scales. Never static – always reacting, always responding, always sacrificing, in a constant waltz of dynamic balance.

It’s pretty tough for me, as a flawed and wild-hearted human to pinpoint the balance between low self-esteem and arrogance, seize it and work towards it. I hope to always adopt the notion of the body of small’s ever-in-motion balance, to expand to fit my place in the universe and receive every blessing coming my way, and in that way to be of maximum benefit to community.